Out there for the World to See

Since I was a Child, I have always seen the world differently than others around me, including my siblings and parents.  I always felt like an outsider looking in.  My parents chalked my behaviour up to highly imaginative in my play, which to an extent it was, but it was also more than that.  I could feel life where others could not, and I had a strong connection to the natural world around me.  The animals in nature were drawn to me but more especially I could just be with, for hours, trees and plants. I strongly wanted relations and to have friends but never really fit in and became withdrawn and painfully shy because I learned very quickly that I did not think like anyone else.  Kids can be mean.

Spending more time alone, I developed the ability to tap into my more primal instincts.  For some reason, although I am female, and was not around any farm animals often, I came to mimic a stallion horse everyday, watching over everyone like they were my herd. When we were leaving or going to school, I would immediately become the Stallion. The only thing that would shift my focus is if I stumbled upon a plant that called to be because it needed to tell me something. 

I had learned that what others talked, gossiped or giggled about was excruciatingly boring to me and most likely what I had to say to them, was too deep, or sounded insane to others.  Teachers were no help for when I put up my hand, so proud that I knew the answer, they would never pick me and thus confirmed the notion that I was not important. Now that I look back, it more likely was that because I knew all the answers, they chose someone else, but to my 6 yr old mind, it was rejection. Rejection that my inside belief would show mimicked by others on the outside world, almost my whole life.  We see on the outside what we believe about ourselves.  We see it in people even if they had a totally different prospective because we choose to see it.
So what was it that I spoke about to get this reaction you ask?  Some children would ask me how I knew things and I of course I answered "The tree, by the corner there, told me."  Normal to me as I thought the many plants spoke to them as well..... well you can imagine my horror.

My mom always described my behaviour to others as daydreaming and I let her do this because I did not want my parents to think I was crazy too.

Now that the Internet has opened up to such a global connection I know now that I am not weird nor alone.  I know why I had my beautiful son.  He was the voice that I lost, he showed me things I could not see. He brought me out of shyness because of his personality I had to talk with others.  I'd turn my back for a second and he was talking with the table next to us for an example. He was my pride and joy.

He also has his own path of learning, totally separate from me.  I notice that he too has a hard time with communicating and to get his point across he is too direct & oversteps boundaries, hurting people in the process. He mistakes assertiveness with aggressiveness and has no patience to let others speak if they have a different opinion.  With him there is no grey, it is black and white.  He just knows things.  But I believe he is an Indigo child, which have these strong personalities, to clear old nonsense out of the way for future persons.  

My point is, that we all try to survive in our own ways with the resources we know about at different times.  We are all here for our own purpose and lessons, big or small. My son and I both have had weird abilities, sadly by the time I was preteen, I had shut mine down, and spent half my life trying to fit in.

It is a sad thing that many great mentors & those in service industry, those who dedicate themselves to serve others by mentoring, protection, waitressing etc., are the persons most abused. Abused by students, customers and abused by the system for low wages when it is the hardest working people.  It is those at the top who make a phonecall or two or make a yes or a no answer or sign a paper then go home that make the big bucks.  Something wrong there.

You can see this in famous people too.  People like to put you on a pedestal then take all they can from you then when you need a break or drained your cup, they not only leave you in the dust, but they kick you in the gut for good measure, but don't forget the added sugarcoated spoonfuls of perceived justifications for these actions.  They simply can't just leave quietly, no, their ego "needs" to let everyone else know so they will stay away because 'heavens forbid' if the others might hear your side of the story -- it just might conflict with theirs.  But After all that has happened to me, I still have compassion.

Now I am very proud of who I am and have embraced both the dark and the light of me.  I think I scare some lesser developed or insecure people with my strength, but I don't mean to, and as we all know, they attempt to knock you down to their level to feel comfortable.  If you don't back down they run.

My major interests are my ancestors, and a strong interest in the mythology of Arthur, who became, in later tales King Arthur.  On top of this, I've always where sayings or beliefs come from and absolutely love studying this. I am attracted to old castles and want to live in one, even if i have to make my own.  My favorite colour is Electric blue.  I seem to get along with animals and nature rather than people.  In fact, one of my faults is that it saddens me because I've always wanted a close friend or even a friend to do things with.  I am happy though that I did find that and didn't know it, with a girlfriend in Saskatoon.  I met her again after 20 yrs and I still felt like we just left off.  Love you Meg.  XOX.  

Oddly as an adult, Children I now get along with.  Children love me because I connect with their inner play and have a highly developed imagination and creative mind. Adults, as a child and Spiritual Elders I've always been fascinated by.  In fact I've had many odd encounters with them.  Each saying I would be destined for something great and this use to bother me.  I wanted to know what it was.  To be honest i still don't know so I quit worrying and just keep going. This time openly.

I found it odd, coming to Calgary, and the 'witches' or pagan persons here were afraid to "speak the w word", to use a phrase from the wife of a couple, I first met in 1997, who were the meet and greet for me. I already knew that you teach people how to treat you and by acting like you are ashamed of something you invite persons to shame you. I didn't want any part of that.  I've never had any problem, with anyone I've met, including bosses, for my days off or my beliefs.  When I first started, and being shy and always trying to fit in didn't help, I acted like everyone else, being angry and feeling persecuted.  This only attracted the same.

There is something else about me that is or is not weird, but I am attracted to wanting to live in the country surrounded in ancient looking furs and natural furniture around me so I can curl up in them.  Instead I buy, what I call, fluffies, or fuzzies.  You know those furry blankets. I feel comfortable in teepees, or huts, or old cabins.

If I look back at all my 'jobs' and my now chosen profession, I know that I am here to help others and to right wrongs.  I know that just the act of focusing on this or thinking about it will join the consciousness and someone else can pick my thought up. 

Once in awhile, as all humans, I let it all get to me, and I shut down and hide myself away from all others.  I forget about self and empty my cup.  I give too much and people drain me, then when I have nothing else to give, the users leave.

For my son, who is sometimes my opposite, others leave because they feel uncomfortable around his intensity and righteousness.  They do not have the ability the love through this, nor that he is the one that is hyper sensitive.  His outlet is creating Electric music or connective sounds.  I am hoping one day that he will learn to develop the ability to distinguish between the emotional fields that are from others and his own.  Right now he does not.  I learned to shut that down years ago.  I am a watcher and he is a talker. My defence is apathy, his is being cynical.  Both of us hate those who pull, use or abuse authority, especially when we are smarter than they are. most of the time.  Frankly, both of us have trouble finding 'our own kind'. Someone we can talk to about deeper subjects instead of watching sports or what colour you are going to paint the walls or finger nails.

Unfortunately this lack of bonding to find others, does not help with the fact that we love to be touched, to be hugged, and to cuddle.  I am a downright suck, I admit, when I am sick and want to be fed and pampered.  I would love my hair to be brushed by another, be bathed and feel supported.  In fact I need this more than others.  With texting, computers and all this supposed easier way of connecting to others, we have lost the most important basic and proven fundamental human need - TOUCH.  My only regret is not hugging my son as much as I should have but try to make up for it now.  I tell him all the time how special he is and that I love him today, always present tense.  In fact I have been 'texting' a new potential date, and am excited, yet disappointed, because he will text me, but won't phone me. I don;'t get it.  This is cold.  No tone of voice.  No body language to visualize.  What is the world coming to.  This is not communicating.

As you can tell, I have huge trust issues.  I've been misunderstood my whole life and betrayed so many times, I cannot even count anymore.  I was a very open person and my shyness comes from not knowing what to talk about to others, saying something and being thought of as weird and not knowing how to express myself.  I have an easier time writing.  It is usually better to keep my opinions and thoughts to myself.  I find most people don't truly listen anyways.

I am my best when I feel that someone has my back, when someone want to pitch in, when I feel I am not alone.  Unfortunately, 90% of the time, I am alone. I was also a single parent and was not there enough for my son.  Society is set up for this abuse of children because of the money game.  

I don't know but I am sure my son felt very alone in the school systems as well, as he would be extremely bored, and know more than the teacher.   I know I had an incident when I was young and the teacher was giving the class shit because they were not listening and got low marks on the metric system test, but he bragged about that he knows he taught it well because I was quiet and got a 100%.  The one odd time, where I overcame my shyness and told him I did not learn it from his teachings (which was a week long), I learned it in 5 minutes from my brother.  He mocked me and told me If I though I was so great, to come up to the board and show the rest of the students, my 5 minute lesson.  I did and they all got 100% in the test right after.

I guess I've always wanted to know the 'why' of everything.  My son is the same way only even more extreme, if there is no point to something, why do it, and for my situation, if it is not explained in an easy manner, its not worth my time or energy. 

This works with people too.  The last round of students did that for me.  I want to know everything about them before they join my tribe.  If you don't have your financial affairs in order, your balance in play and work, your balance of negative and positive or your lacking basic needs, and you don't want  to listen and follow out the new way, seize opportunity to get ahead....then piss off, I have no time or the energy for you; Those who choose to repeat behaviour that didn't change anything in the first place, or people who choose to look for the bad in people to replace looking at themselves.

I love to gift people through Understanding themselves, in this way, I can contribute to healing the world, one person at a time.  I created many courses based off of many teachings of successful persons.  My son also gives a gift of healing through his music.  I try to remain ever open to new things, in an attempt to make the world see that half the drugs out there, especially for children, are unnecessary.  It is our environment that causes both mental and physical disorders.  

For my tribe, started in 2002, since 2009, after a grueling time with dishonourable students, I now go after those who are who are happy with themselves and arent looking for a quick fix or titles.  I found them in persons who are skilled in Drawing, Painting, Decorating, Photography and other skills that show they see the world 'differently' then others.  They are fantastic at inventing new games of social interaction and creating new more efficient ways of doing things.  I find it is those who are not interested in competitive sports but instead personal achievement and their own discipline in martial arts or other interests that are more enlightened and make better tribal members.  They are better listeners and have the courtesy to stop and listen to someone when they play them a song on the guitar at a party, or sing for them, instead of gabbing with their friends.  They are drawn to theatre, comedy and ritual where they can act as a character and express a view or create a mood.  I look also for persons who've gone through major grief or trauma, have been emotionally or physically abused, abandoned, or may have turned to drugs or alcohol as a child, teenager or young adult but have awakened and pulled through in strength.  I feel we were put there in these families or situations so that we would be subjected to very painful and life shattering experiences so that we could figure out how to balance.  Without knowing the extreme harshness of winter, one never truly knows the warm loving arms of summer.  Some never learn that spring will always come and they get stuck buried in the snow.

If any of this sounds like you, and you've been looking for a way to contribute to the new world and bring it back into balance, your tribal family is looking for you.  We know the world is not going to work with the money system of today and we need to wake up and bring back sharing and not wasting resources.

Brahva Cwmevos

Copyright June 29, 2011